Leaders Don't Manage Feelings, They Set the Frame.

When you put yourself on in the public square, you are bound to attract criticism. It comes with the territory. People will disagree with you and, at times, attack your character. It is why many people in all forms of media ignore the comments sections on their websites and social media. Much of the criticism is hostile and unhelpful. It is also unfashionable to admit a mistake in the public sphere. I have never been particularly fashionable, and when someone I trust points out a mistake, I reflect on it and consider whether I need to adjust my perspective. Today, I want to confess a mistake and set the record straight.

Last week, while discussing declining employee satisfaction metrics in corporate environments, I said,

"If you hold any leadership role, you must also manage the emotions of the people you serve."

Angela Dugan, the Vice President of Product Delivery at Red Foundry, and someone I trust deeply, pointed out the following on LinkedIn.

"I just worry that can lead managers to thinking they are responsible for and SHOULD try to manage other people's emotions at work, which is setting themselves up for failure and potentially crossing some boundaries not meant to be crossed by a manager at work."

Dugan is right. Managers should not attempt to manage the emotions of the people they serve. It opens up a Pandora's box of gaslighting, sexual harassment, exploitation, and abuse. I have dedicated my entire career as a professional to fighting these behaviors. If my blog last week gave the impression that I think leadership requires emotional manipulation, then I was mistaken. A leader should understand and respect the emotions of the people they serve, rather than attempting to manage them.

If you have followed this blog for any length of time, you know that I am a fan of Kim Scott and her book "Radical Candor." In the early portion of the book, she describes all the emotional labor that comes with being a boss. Her career coach is not impressed with her complaints and says, "It's called management, and it is your job." The story had a profound impact on me, changing how I view leadership. A good leader is someone who performs the emotional labor necessary to establish strong relationships with the people they serve. The boss at the office should not manage the team's emotions; instead, they should understand how their own emotions affect the team's goals.

It boils down to respect, boundaries, and clear intentions. When we discuss respect, it is not a matter of total agreement or consensus. Instead, we appreciate someone as a unique person and treat them as we wish to be treated. It is easier said than done with our political and cultural divides. It requires effort and good faith. It means sitting down with them for lunch and hearing what they think and what motivates them. Even the most loathsome people have a few redeeming characteristics. As a boss, it is your responsibility to identify these characteristics in others and connect with them. After that, you build the preliminary foundation for respect.

Next are boundaries —an area we struggle with in the global economy. Just because we can stay in touch with work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, does not mean we should. The office makes family and social life possible. Many business leaders think that the office can be a substitute for social life, and workers are pushing back. The number of after-hours cocktail sessions is declining, and team-building exercises outside of work hours are becoming less popular. The reason is that workers have discovered that blending work and personal life can create numerous unnecessary complications. People with families, in particular, do not want to stay out late on school nights. It is paramount that, as a leader, you understand the boundaries of the people you lead and respect them.

Likewise, as a leader, you set clear, easy-to-understand boundaries so that your team can respect yours. For instance, I prefer to arrive at the office early to focus on administrative tasks. I prefer not to schedule meetings before 9 AM because I use those two hours to catch up and enjoy a cup or two of coffee. After a few rejected meetings, people got the hint. Two hours of my day are dedicated to executive time; mornings are reserved for meetings, and afternoons are spent managing by walking around. Once everyone understood everyone else's boundaries, teamwork improved.

The final ingredient to this secret sauce is clear intentions. David L. Marquett, in "Turn the Ship Around," said that if he clearly stated his intentions, others would pick up on them and carry them out. Instead of giving orders, he expressed his intentions and then had others state theirs so there would be no misunderstanding. For instance, as a manager, you should state a simple goal, such as "We need fewer defects in production." Then, over time, the team develops strategies to achieve these goals, and people begin discussing their intentions to meet them.

One developer came to me and told me they write unit tests each time they fix a defect to ensure it works correctly, and that if something breaks, they can diagnose the problem sooner. The developer understood my intent to reduce defects, and they stated how they planned to make that happen. It became a virtuous cycle, cutting defects in half within six months.

So last week, I was wrong. You do not manage others' emotions. Instead, you work with others' feelings through respect, boundaries, and clear intentions. I hope this clears up any misconceptions, and I will be clearer in the future.

Until next time.